Some Thoughts on Gift-giving

I have very specific (and apparently somewhat controversial?) thoughts about gift giving. Here’s something for you to think about as you navigate gift-giving throughout your life.

My philosophy on gift-giving is simple: gifts should make the receiver's life better (and not make the giver's life worse, obviously).

As such, a gift should be at least one of the following:

• Something the recipient likes.

• Something the recipient wants.

• Something the recipient finds useful.

• Something the recipient finds meaningful.

  This could be a thing or an experience, and doesn't limit what a gift should be. In fact, it broadens the definition of what is a gift to be determined entirely by the answer to the question: who is this gift for? It certainly doesn't dictate what a gift should cost. Except for people driven entirely by monetary value, most people find a thoughtful $15 gift better than a $1500 gift that is nothing but expensive.

The point here is, gift-giving should be about what the recipient wants, and not about what the giver wants them to have. I think we’ve taken “it’s the thought that counts” too far and think that somebody should be grateful that someone gave them something, even if it’s something that they do not like. This goes back to a scarcity mindset. We should not have a “take whatever you can get” attitude about gifts, of all things. The act of gift-giving should be about abundance!

Bet on Yourself

Here’s a reminder to bet on yourself. Take the risk. Go out on the limb. Insert additional metaphors about taking risks here. I think a lot of the time, we’re waiting (hoping?) for someone to see the potential in us and validate that potential by taking a risk on us. That’s wonderful when it happens, but I’m challenging you to see your own potential, and act accordingly.

I have some ideas for how you could bet on yourself, if you’re wondering how. Here are some thoughts:

Develop a new skill that compliments something you already do well. Maybe you’re a singer, so you take an acting class to learn better stage presence as a performer, or how to expand your performance into theatre. Chances are, if there’s something you do really well, you have an idea of something that you can learn to do that will enhance your opportunities to use that skill. One way to bet on yourself is by expanding your horizons.

Attempt to do something that you’ve only dreamed about. Instead of waiting for someone to hand you your dream, what if you validated its possibility by taking the chance to achieve it? Maybe your dream is to write a book, and you start outlining the book you want to write, or take a writing class as the first step. You don’t have to have a 7-step plan to achieving your dream, but if you stay ready for things to happen, you won’t have to get ready when the opportunity comes around. Or perhaps, you have to create your own opportunity!

Drill down to focusing on one thing that that you are great at. This speaks to what is your “zone of genius” (per Gay Talbert’s The Big Leap). Sometimes we play it safe by trying to do everything that we are good at, without taking the risk to truly excel at one specific thing. What would happen if you took some time to focus on a single thing instead, even if it’s for a specific time period?

Don’t Be Afraid of Getting Older

I’ve been thinking a bit about what it means to be getting older. I’m looking forward to what my life will bring, and embracing all of the things that come to me as I age. One thing I’ve noticed is that so many people are afraid of aging. I’m not even talking about those who are nearing the end of their lives, in the sixties or seventies, or eighties, but people who think they will be old when they are 25, or 30. I’ve been struck several times by the cognitive dissonance of my feelings about aging being at odds with how society tells me how I should feel.

Having passed both 25 and 30 some time ago, I can promise you, that you are not old. Your life is not over at thirty. You youth isn’t even over then. For many of us, thirty is not even the halfway point of our lives. At twenty-five we haven’t yet fully learned or embraced our power. There will be so many more fun times and memorable moments in the rest of your life, those memories are not limited to being formed in your teens and twenties. And by the way, the people that you think have it all together, so many of them don’t, and a lot of them aren’t even aware of how clueless they are. The way we place such value on youth will push you to try to live your life in fast forward, please don’t let it.

Life is long. Don’t try to live all of it at once. Don’t let these x under x lists have you thinking that you are a failure because at 23 you haven’t yet started a business, or gotten a job with a six-figure salary. Baby girl, at 23 your brain isn’t even fully developed yet. You are not meant to reach all of your goals in the first decade of adulthood. Embrace the achievements of your life so far, and I promise you, that there is more for you as you age. It is a blessing to age, never forget that.

Get You a Hobby

I’ma say it right here: you should have a hobby. At least one. Not a side hustle, not a part-time job, a real hobby. Something that you do only for your own enjoyment and no other reason. It doesn’t have to be practical, you just have to like doing it enough to allow this hobby to take you outside the daily grind of life.

Why should you have a hobby?
Hobbies are a chance to do something imperfectly, because your livelihood does not depend on it. As adults especially, we rarely have chances to do things that are not objectively good, they’re just our best efforts. However, trying (and failing) at something inconsequential is a great way to help ground you.

On the other hand, it’s also great to see yourself improve at something that you do consistently, just for yourself. You’re not getting better at it for financial gain, but just because you enjoy your hobby, and you keep at it. What a delight when you finally nail that turn, or finish that sweater, or master that tricky musical passage!

What counts as a hobby?
Anything that you do only for your own enjoyment, and not as a means to make money or learn skills that are directly applicable to your career. Examples include:

• Performing arts: singing, dance, community theater, playing an instrument

• Sports: intramural team sports, swimming, running

• Arts & crafts: knitting, drawing, painting, sculpture

• Games: D&D, video games, LARP

• Indoorsy hobbies: reading, baking, cooking, writing

• Outdoorsy hobbies: hiking, camping, rock climbing, gardening

In summary, hobbies are great, because they remind us that we are human, and help us to be present and enjoy life. If you have a hobby, what is it? If you don’t have a hobby, what would you like to try?

August Reading List

These books might change your friendships

• Platonic by Marisa G Franco, Ph.D.

• Big Friendship by Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman

• Sisterhood Heals by Joy Harden Bradford, Ph.D.

• Text Me When You Get Home by Kayleen Schaefer

• Undead Girl Gang by Lily Anderson

• Friendfluence by Carlin Flora

• Sula by Toni Morrison

Find the complete list at Bookshop or on Amazon.

This month’s reading list focuses on friendship! Friendships tend to be underrated in the hierarchy of interpersonal relationships, but friends shape our lives in a myriad of ways. Carlin Flora explores this concept in Friendfluence, which discusses the ways that friends can influence our lives. On the other hand, Marisa Franco’s Platonic takes the approach of how our life experiences can shape our views of friendships, by exploring the link between attachment theory and friendship, using the research in this area.

Sisterhood Heals also translates the research on friendship (and group therapy!) into how our friendships can be healing and tranformative in our lives, and the different roles that we can play in our friend groups. Text Me When You Get Home also explores the power of female friendships, and the uniqueness of these relationships.

Friendships are also complicated. In our fiction picks, Undead Girl Gang and Sula explore different ways that our friendships can be difficult, at different points in our life. Undead Girl Gang asks us how well do we know our friends as teenagers, and what we’d do to save them. Sula takes us into a complicated lifelong female friendship, exploring how friendship endures and morphs even as our lives radically change. Our final pick, Big Friendship, is by the hosts of the iconic friendship podcast Call Your Girlfriend, and Amina and Ann discuss what it takes to navigate a complicated friendship throughout massive shifts in life and career.

Happy reading!

A Few Resume Tips

Earlier this year, I led a resume bootcamp at a conference, which was such a wonderful experience. Here are some of the things that I shared during that bootcamp!

Your resume is about you
This was a wonderful piece of advice that I got from a career counselor when I was a graduate student. What I mean here is, your resume is not about your jobs that you’ve had, it’s a document about you and the things that you’ve accomplished and achieved in those jobs.

Your resume should be tailored
In a different lesson from grad school, I learned how to tailor my resume to each position (or type of position) that I applied to. One way to do this is to edit your resume by using a few job postings that you’re interested in and detailing your experience in order to highlight the common things that they are asking for.

Your resume should make them want to meet you
This is what a resume should do! Use the bullet points under your experience to give some of your best professional wins and their impact on your company or team. If there’s a compelling story from your professional life that you’d love to tell in an interview, find a way to create a bullet point on your resume that alludes to it.

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There’s so much more that I could say about resumes, but many people have already said them on the internet. I hope I’ve given you some new things to think about as you create or update your resume!

What is a Roth IRA & Why Should I Have One?

If you live in the US, chances are, you will have to save money to fund your own retirement. In an ideal world, societal infrastructure would provide for the elderly, and saving for retirement wouldn’t be necessary. Unfortunately, the world is not at all ideal. A Roth IRA is a type of account that you can use to save for retirement, with some advantages. If you’re a young person, and early in your career, this is a great tool for you to add to your portfolio for your future self.

Okay, so what is a Roth IRA?
A Roth IRA is an investment vehicle (think of it like a basket), that allows you to put after-tax money away for a retirement. When you withdraw that money at age 59.5 or older, it’s not taxed as income.

How does it work?
So the Roth IRA, as I said, is a basket, where you put investments to grow until you retire. The investments could be basically anything: stocks, bonds, ETFs, mutual funds, etc, just like any other type of investment account. Unlike a 401K or 403b (those are the retirement plans that you get through work, if you even have them) the money you put in (contributions) is after-tax money which means that when you withdraw money as a retiree, you don’t have to pay taxes on it.

What are the downsides?
- You can only put after-tax money into it, so you can’t deduct contributions on your taxes.
- The amount you can contribute per year is pretty low (in 2023, it’s $6500)
- You still have to choose the investments in the account (or pay someone else to do it)
- There’s an income cap to eligibility, so if you make more than a certain amount, you can’t contribute anymore.

So why do it?
- As a young(ish) person, your income and tax rate are likely to increase as you’re older, so this may be a very cheap way to save for retirement, since there are no taxes on that money later.
- Remember how I called it a basket? Having a Roth IRA is another basket to put your retirement eggs in, so you’re not just relying on a 401K/403B/etc., or Social Security.
- Unlike your workplace retirement account, you can pick whatever investments you’d like to have in your Roth IRA.
- There are qualified withdrawals that you can take, outside of retirement income, such as in times of financial hardship (that’s new!) or when you need money for a down payment on a home.

Another thing to consider here is that because the contribution limit is pretty low, maxing out your Roth IRA can feel more attainable than maxing out your workplace retirement account, so it might be a good psychological tactic to help you save more.

When I was in my twenties, I used side hustle money to open and put a bit of money in a Roth IRA. This also helped me learn to invest without the tax implications of capital gains, etc. (which I would have had with a brokerage account), and gave me a lot of confidence in figuring out how to handle my own finances, so Roth IRAs have a special place in my heart.

Making the Most of the Season You’re In

So much of the time, we live our lives leaning forward in anticipation of the next thing: the next goal, the dream, the raise, etc. This isn’t a bad thing, but let’s not be looking so far ahead that we forget to appreciate the now of it all. This post is also your reminder to love the season that you’re in right now. Make the most of it. Find the joy. You will not be here forever, for better or for worse.

Now let’s talk about how you could do that, since I have some ideas.

Reflection
Sometimes it’s worth it to stop for a moment and reflect on where you are. Remember when being here was only an idea? And yet, you made it this far. Maybe it’s not all the way where you want to be, but stop and take a look around. Where is the good in this season?

I remember a few years ago where I was unemployed for two months, which really sucked. The uncertainty of finding a new job made it a difficult time, but there was some good. My people, friends and family, really showed up for me in every way: bills paid, check-ins, friend dates, you name it. This was the first time in my life I’d really given people the space to show up for me, and I was not disappointed by it, and I’ll cherish that always.

Focus
Here’s some gentle prompting to remind you to look around and be present in the moment in this season. Give your life some undivided attention, and take a break from all the hustle and bustle. It doesn’t have to be in a serious or profound way — it could be as simple as really watching that show, or completely dedicating yourself to cooking a meal, or just sitting in silence and breathing. But just living your life uninterrupted for a short time can be part of making the most of it.

At this point in my life, I’ve been going to a lot of concerts. (This was a goal of mine for this year.) Of course I’ll take some pictures and video for the memories (and the ‘gram) but I try to spend most of the show completely dialed in to what’s happening at the concert. It’s been such a joy to just be, and enjoy the performance.

Exploration
Make your life an adventure! This can be in big or small ways. Maybe it’s a walk along a new route, or visiting a new park, or trying some kind of activity for the first time. There are always new things to explore, wherever you are, so take advantage of them!

During the pandemic lockdowns, I started taking Friday walks as a way to get out of the house while continuing to social distance. In addition to the exercise, I got to see new things in my neighborhood, and I was reminded of the wonder of the outdoors. It was a small way to explore at a time when the world felt so limited.

How might you make the most of the season that you’re in? It doesn’t have to be in the ways that I did, instead, you should take some time to think of what you can do that’s most accessible to where you are right now. Maybe you’ve been feeling really down because this season has been so hard for you. Where can you find some joy?

July Reading List

These series might change your summer

• The Boyfriend Project series by Farrah Rochon

  • The Boyfriend Project

  • The Dating Playbook

  • The Hookup Plan

• The Broken Earth Trilogy by NK Jemisin

  • The Fifth Season

  • The Obelisk Gate

  • The Stone Sky

• Sunshine Vicram series by Darynda Jones

  • A Bad Day for Sunshine

  • A Good Day for Chardonnay

  • A Hard Day for a Hangover

• The Brown Sisters series by Talia Hibbert

  • Get a Life Chloe Brown

  • Take a Hint Dani Brown

  • Act Your Age Eve Brown

• This Poison Heart duology by Kalynn Bayron

  • This Poison Heart

  • This Wicked Fate

• Themis Files Trilogy by Sylvain Neuvel

  • Sleeping Giants

  • Waking Gods

  • Only Human

Find the complete list at Bookshop or on Amazon.

Summer is here, and I’m offering you something different for your summer reading delight: a few series to take you through a month, or a week, or a weekend, or the whole summer. They vary in genre from science fiction, to romance, to fantasy, to YA, but the basic criteria for these picks were there were at least two books, but no more than four; and all the books in the series have already been released. So here we go!

Most of these are light, delightful reads, with some substance underneath. Our two romance series - The Boyfriend Project and the Brown sisters center around a trio of friends and one of sisters respectively, and were a wonderful representation of the amazing things happening in romance today. Rochon tackles the uniquely complicated balance of professional and personal lives that Black women work with, and Hibbert explores what it’s like to date when your body and/or brain don’t function the way other people think it normal.

The hilarious mystery series following the life of Sheriff Sunshine Vicram also has romantic elements. While the writing is funny and the banter is amazing, the mysteries themselves are quite serious (TW for harm to children - but no deaths of kids). My favorite thing about this is the amazing sense of community portrayed throughout the series. Similarly YA fantasy duology This Poison Heart follows how Briseis navigates building and relying on her own community to figure out an ages-old challenge in her family.

Both of our science fiction series, The Broken Earth trilogy and The Themis Files trilogy challenge our view of what it means to be human, and how humanity reacts to earth-shifting challenges. What does our fear of the unknown cost us? What does it even mean to be human?

Let me know if you pick up any series this summer!

Happy reading!

The Importance of Rest

If you’ve been following along with the vibes here, you won’t be surprised to find out that I’m a big proponent of rest. This includes unplugging, taking a break, taking a nap, taking a day off as a way to recover and rejuvenate, but also I believe in building a restful routine, so that there’s less that you need to take a big break from. For me, this has meant a pretty consistent bedtime, unscheduled weekend days every so often, and some screen-free time throughout the day. I’m not super-strict on routines, but I do have a rhythm that I’ve found works well for me. Do you have a rhythm that works for you?

It’s important too, to take yourself out of the never-endingness of the day-to-day to remind yourself of who you are, and why you’re doing anything at all. These breaks can help you re-evaluate whether what you do every day is actually important to the life that you would like to have. Sometimes we’re just going along mindlessly, not noticing that we are drifting away from our dreams and goals. Don’t let the current of life carry you away!

Society will keep pushing us to do more and more in order to be productive, but what I’ve actually found that the key to a good life is to do less. I’m more productive when I take breaks, and I feel better about the work that I do when it’s not all consuming. Not to mention, your brain needs some idle time in order to allow for your creativity to do what it does! Seriously, this is why people come up with their best ideas in the shower, or while driving, or in their dreams — it’s the time when their brain finally goes offline for long enough to generate something new.

To this end, I’ll be taking a break for the month of June! I’ve written so much for you to chew on and reflect on over this month, so there will be no new posts until July 1. During this time, I’ll be coming up with new ideas to share with you all! I’m looking forward to this time of rest, and I encourage you to find ways to rest this month too!

Here are some ways that I’ll be recharging this month:

• Long walks outside

• Time with friends

• Cleaning my living space

• Reading for pleasure

Be Gentle with Yourself

If you’ve been working hard to become the best version of yourself, or on achieving your goals in life and your career, I’m reminding you to also be gentle with yourself. Instead of beating yourself up for not getting all the way to your goal, pat yourself on the back for how far you have come.

I think sometimes we get so deep into grinding and hustling and trying to meet or goals, or so deep in comparing ourselves to where we think other people are, that we forget that we are also human beings in need of softness, and gentleness, and rest.

Take some time to rest, without feeling like you have to finish something to deserve it. Sleep, lay down, do things that fill your cup. Allow your body to rejuvenate and heal from the constant push of productivity.

Show yourself the same love you pour out to other people. Not the tough stuff, but the gentle compassion that you deserve. You are allowed to love yourself deeply and fully. You are deserving of your own love.

Why you should (maybe) have a journal

Since last week’s post was about doing a self check-in, it’s fitting that this week I extol the virtues of keeping a journal.

You should probably have a journal of some kind. Keeping a journal can be a great way to help you think through things and process your thoughts and feelings. Sometimes, articulating your thoughts and ideas in a tangible way can be helpful in your life’s journey.

Journals will also help you keep a record of your life. One thing that's been unexpectedly rewarding is to read my old journals and see how much I've grown, and also, how I've managed to work through the things that weighed heavily on me in a particular season. My journals serve as a testament to that fact that I can do hard things and get through hard seasons. They also remind me of the things that are important to me (or were important to me) and how those things change (or don't) as I continue to grow. It’s been amazing to me to see the wisdom of 23-year-old me that has held true for more than a decade.

What should you write in your journal? Literally anything you want. Here are some things I've recorded in my journals over the years: prayers, red flags/deal-breakers in relationships, fears, joys, plans for things I want to write about, thoughts on random topics, goals, dreams, lists. I also sometimes will find points to reflect on in podcast episodes, which can be a great source of inspiration to write. If you’d like to, a guided journal can be a wonderful resource as well, such as a five-year journal, or a topical reflection journal that provides writing prompts to help get you started.

And finally, while my orientation is towards writing, your journal doesn’t have to be written. You can make videos or voice recordings, or even art that expresses your feelings. My only advice is that your method of journaling is something that is low effort for you to do consistently, since the consistency is what is really important.

Spring Check-in

As it feels like the world itself has woken up, I think this is the perfect time of year for checking in, as we transition wardrobes, the academic year ends, and the days get longer, and there's a feeling of overall change. Here are some questions to guide you as you check in with yourself this Spring.

• How are you doing? No really, how are you doing?

• What are the things that make you feel most like yourself? How are they incorporated into the regular rhythms of your life?

• Did you set any goals for this year? How are you feeling about them? Is there anything you want to reevaluate about your goals?

• What are you looking forward to in the next few weeks? The next few months? Sometime in the distant future?

• How have you been showing up for yourself recently? Is there a way that you need to show up for yourself?

• Where in your life do you need to set new boundaries? How will you do this?

• What has brought you joy recently? What are you grateful for?

• What have you read this year (so far) that has really stuck with you?

• What are you looking forward to reading soon, or learning more about?

• Do you keep track of what you read? Would you like to change this?

May Reading List

These Books Might Change Your Career

Check out the full list on Amazon or Bookshop.

• Double Bind: Women on Ambition edited by Robin Romm

• Next Move, Best Move by Kimberly Brown

• Chemistry by Weike Wang

• It’s About Damn Time by Arlan Hamilton

• The Memo by Minda Harts

• Machiavelli for Women by Stacey Vanek Smith

• Lab Girl by Hope Jahren

This month’s reading list is career-focused. The books I’ve chosen for this list offer both direct career advice and/or strategy, such as Machiavelli for Women, or Kimberly Brown’s Next Move, Best Move, and also broader perspectives on the professional life, such as Double Bind, a collection of essays on women and ambition, and Lab Girl, a memoir about life as a professor.

For strategy and direct advice, Minda Harts gives us The Memo, on what minoritized people, especially women of color need to know in order to successfully navigate the corporate space. Similarly, in Next Move, Best Move, Kimberly Brown helps you transition well and level up in your career with concrete strategies based on her extensive professional experience. In Machiavelli for Women, journalist Stacey Vanek Smith digs into the research on how women can be strategic in their careers, using Machiavelli as a starting point, and inspiration. (Don’t worry though, this book isn’t at all cold-blooded.)

Somewhere in between direct advice and giving broader perspective lies Arlan Hamilton’s It’s About Damn Time, which tells her incredible story of becoming a venture capitalist, and using being underestimated in the corporate space to her advantage, an excellent lesson for those of us who are often underestimated for various reasons. Hope Jahren also shares her life with us in Lab Girl, which talks about her life, and lab as a professor studying trees. The incredible writing and vulnerability will make you think a lot about what it means to pursue a goal, especially a difficult one, and the hardships and challenges along the way.

Perhaps on the other end of this spectrum is our fiction pick, Weike Wang’s debut novel Chemistry, which asks us to consider if the hardships are really worth it, and what it might mean to walk away from everything, not just the career, but all the expectations that others might have of you, to give yourself the space to figure you out. This novel wrestled with professional ambition versus personal desire, and asked us to consider if there could ever be a winner in that battle.

In the final book on this list, the collection of essays by women on ambition, Double Bind also wrestles, as women come to terms with claiming the label of an ambitious woman, and everything that may or may not come with that. They take us through a variety of perspectives here, from open embrace of ambition since early childhood, to a reluctance to use such a label, even as they write about it. This essay collection offers us something important when we consider the professional life is more than just going to work every day, it is also how we navigate the world itself, and how our careers interact with our relationships with our loved ones.

Defining My Best Life

I recently shared a weekly gem on Instagram that asked you to think about what it would mean to live your absolute best life. If you saw that post, maybe you’ve been thinking about it since then. The concept came from Rachel Rodgers’ book, We Should All be Millionaires, where she takes the time to figure out how much money she would have to earn to be able to live the best version of her life. I was inspired to do the same for my own life, not realizing until I started doing it, just how powerful an exercise it really was. Here are some things that I learned from doing this, and also some details about what my best life would mean.

My best life is not as far out of reach as I think it is. The total cost estimate for my best life is about 3x what I currently earn. So, a lot of money, but not an insane amount of money. In creating my best life budget, I thought of all the things I could possibly need money for. So, not just housing and travel, but also self-care, personal maintenance, giving, saving and investing. My budget ended up being about half regular, recurring expenses, and half intermittent or one-time costs. Maybe for you, you realize that your best life is within reach too, maybe even that you could afford it now, if you changed your financial priorities. Maybe you’ll learn that in order to live your best life, your entire life would have to change radically. Take note of it, but you don’t have to act on it right away.

What really matters to me isn’t the same as what society (or at least social media) says should matter. Once I figured this out, it has been so helpful to me, because it helps me to say no to things that I don’t actually want. For example, I am not interested in owning an investment property, and therefore this is not included in my best life budget. This may change in the future, but I’m not building my life around that expectation. This goes against most of the get rich advice on the internet, but I do not care, because this does not matter to me. Being able to give generously and also to do fun activities does matter to me, however, and my budget reflects that.

There’s freedom in defining a goal. Because I have already figured out how much is abundance for my own life, I feel free in all of my other financial choices. I have defined what is important to me: having a nice place to live, being able to give money to family, not having to clean my own apartment, being able to travel often, having a sizable nest egg. This helps me ignore all the other stuff that gets advertised to me, because those things are not part of my goal, and it helps me check things off on my journey to my best life.

What I think and feel about money is important. For some of you, seeing above that my best life budget is 3x my current salary is paralyzing. If you’re like me, whose money ideology is “I can always earn more money” this might be inspiring. This is important for me to know about myself because it helps me define my limits so that I don’t spend money just because I can, but also so that I am able to spend money if I want to. Maybe for you, you learn that the idea of having all the money that you need is actually scary, because you think that having money means that you are a bad person. Or maybe the thing that makes you most comfortable is seeing a big balance in your savings account, so that you know that you can afford almost anything that comes up. How do those beliefs influence your best life budget?

I added something else to Rachel’s exercise, which I called Best Life Now. I looked at the budget that I’d created, and figured out what elements of that budget I was either already living, or could be living. For example, I have $200 in my best life budget for flowers, so that I could always have fresh flowers. That wouldn’t be a good use of my money currently, but I can definitely afford a $60 flower subscription instead, which delivers flowers to my doorstep once per month. Also, part of my Best Life Now includes having a $5 latte at work every day, and getting my nails done every three weeks.

Here are the line items in my best life budget:

• Housing

• Transportation

• Savings

• Retirement

• Investments

• Family

• Tithes & Offering

• Giving

• Travel

• Food

• Experiences

• Nails

• Lashes

• Hair

• Housekeeping

• Flowers

• Fun Activity

• Spa Days

What would your best life look like? What’s on your list? Let me know if you do this exercise, let me know what you learn from it!

Changing the Way You Talk to Yourself

One of the wonderful things that I’ve done for myself is to change the way that I talk to myself. It’s been a slow journey, which started when I realized that I didn’t have to believe everything my brain tells me in situations where I don’t have all of the information. What used to happen is that in those situations, my thoughts would drift towards the worst possible outcome or interpretation of events. Now I practice one or more of these strategies to change my self-talk, which has made my life so much better. Maybe they will make your life better too.

1. Neutrality - instead of automatically saying something negative about yourself, say something neutral: "I've gained weight. That's different."

2. Interrupting - exactly like it sounds, interrupting a thought as it happens: "They still haven't replied to my text. I guess they're mad— It's only been an hour since I've texted, they probably haven't seen it yet!"

3. Context - reminding yourself that the you that you are right now, isn't the you from whenever: "I did the best I could two years ago, with everything that I knew then. Now that I know more, I'll (re)act differently this time.”

The Power of an Informational Interview

Informational interviews are a powerful way to move in your career and expand your professional network. They can help you figure out the next step(s) in your career if you don’t have a specific idea of where you want to go next (and honestly, even if you do). Informational interviews help you gain insight from someone on a different career path from you, or someone a few steps ahead of you in your chosen career. If done strategically, they can also be a way to expand your network.

What is an informational interview?

An informational interview is just what it sounds like: you interview someone to get information about their current job, or career path, industry, or company. It could be someone that’s only two steps of you in their career, or someone who is 13 steps ahead of you in their career. Informational interviews are a way to interview someone to learn more about their job and professional experience, especially the things that you can’t find on Google. They should be relatively short (15-30 minutes), and you should approach them professionally, since this person is being generous with their time and experience.

Why should I do an informational interview?

1. To get an understanding of what it takes to move into a particular industry.

2. To see the possibilities ahead for how you can use your degree, training, and/or interests.

3. To get insight into what it’s actually like to work in a particular job, career, or company day-to-day

Where do I find people to interview?

The short answer is, everywhere! Anywhere you can meet people that you’d like to interview is a good place. Here are some examples for places where you could start:

• Alumni from your program

• Networking events

• Conferences

• Social media

• Friends of friends or family

If there’s someone whose career you admire, or are intrigued by, and you’d like to get to know them, an informational interview is an excellent way to start developing a connection with them. It shows your interest and enthusiasm for their field, and puts your name close at hand if anything should come up later, such as a job or internship, especially if you do a bit of work to maintain this connection.

Here are some examples of questions that you could ask:

• What does a typical day or week look like?

• How does your degree/training apply to your career?

• What’s one thing that surprised you about your job/career?

• What’s one skill that you developed (outside of school/training) that helps you do this job well?

• If you could go back and talk to your past self, what would you want them to know?

• Are there any skills/trainings/certificates that you’d recommend to someone who is interested in this career?

• Based on this conversation, is there someone else that you recommend I connect with? Would you be willing to make an introduction?

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Many professionals are happy to talk about their lives and professional journeys with someone who is interested in or passionate about their field, so don’t be afraid to reach out to them!

April Reading List

These books might change your faith

• This Here Flesh by Cole Arthur Riley

• Red Lip Theology by Candice Benbow

• A Rhythm of Prayer edited by Sarah Bessey

• A Church for All by Gayle E. Pitman

• Truth’s Table by Ekemini Uwan, Michelle Higgins and Christina Edmondson

• Woman Evolve by Sarah Jakes Roberts

• In my Grandmother’s House by Yolanda Pierce

Find the complete list at Bookshop or on Amazon.

My disclaimer for this one is that the faith that I practice is Christianity, so this is really a list about transforming your Christian faith, although I do think that the words of these authors could inform a broader range of spiritual transformation.

In each of these books, the writers grapple with the complexities of the human experience, and how an expansive and expanding view of our faith help us navigate these uncertainties. A Rhythm of Prayer is an anthology of prayers where the writers share their prayers and thoughts about a range of life experiences, which may inspire and/or rejuvenate your own prayer life. This is the kind of book you can return to as many times as you find helpful. Similarly, you’ll want to read and reread This Here Flesh, as Cole Arthur Riley’s poetic writing style captivates you and challenges you to think about how your spirit is deeply connected to your body.

Yolanda Pierce too, explores that connection between spirit and body as she reflects on what it means to be a Black woman raised in the faith of her foremothers. How does the suffering and trauma of life inform how we see God? How does our view of God expand in light of these lived experiences? In Woman Evolve, Sarah Jakes Roberts broadens our view of Eve, positioning her as a role model for us, and not just a cautionary tale. What does it mean for us to learn from Eve, in a positive way?

Also challenging us to expand our view of God is our children’s book on the list, A Church for All. This delightful rhyming picture book imagines what a church that welcomes everyone might really look like. Candice Benbow also pushes us to reimagine the church and the Christian experience in Red Lip Theology, which is part memoir, part treatise. Her perspective rocks much of traditional Christianity, and offers us something new in this 21st century faith journey through this book of essays.

Ekemini, Michelle and Christina of the Truth’s Table podcast also give us a new way forward with their collection of essays of the same name. They share their varied experiences as Black women to talk about their faith through singleness, marriage, divorce, political activism, and so much more. They don’t shy away from the difficulties of their chosen topics, and their honesty will draw you in, and make you want to sit with everything that they have shared with us.

I chose these books because they provided a perspective that many more mainstream Christian writings do not, challenging the more “Sunday School” lessons that we get about our faith. As always, read one or many of them as a way to add to your own personal conversation with yourself about your religious identity.

Happy reading!

A Few Lessons from My Twenties

So I’m in my mid-thirties (as of this writing) and as I began my thirties, I realized that there were so many lessons from my twenties that have shaped the life that I have now.

1. Good relationships with other people make me better. One thing that my twenties shifted my perspective on is developing my relationships with others as a priority. I've developed some great friendships in my twenties, with people who make me better and make me want to be better: more patient, more loving, more understanding. In my friendships now I'm always thinking about how can I make the lives of people I care about better: how can I really listen, how I can be there, how can I offer support from wherever I am? I'm not saying to throw people away if they don't make you better, because I don't believe that people are disposable, just that my relationships with all the people in my life shifted when I considered them from an angle of mutual development. There is nothing like the ongoing support of friends who have seen you at your absolute worst, and your absolute best, and love you and remind you that you are awesome and worthy and make you just want to be better. There's a quote that says "a friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to your when you've forgotten the words." I have absolutely experienced this, not just because I've forgotten my song, but also because I've given my friends the space to be there for me to sing it to me.

2. Being okay with where I am even when I'm not where I want to be. This one has been tough to learn, especially in my later twenties when I felt like I hadn't progressed far enough in my career, I wasn't making enough money and/or I still wasn't in a long-term career path. I felt like I couldn't be happy with where I was in life because I knew that it wasn't where I wanted to be. I really had to sit myself down and take stock of the benefits of where I at the time, the connections I was making, the things I was learning, my ongoing development as a professional scientist and realize that where I was then was very good for me, and that recognizing this doesn't mean that I don't want to move on to something else.

3. It's always the wrong time; it's always the right time. We're stuck in a "timing is everything" culture that says that everything happens at the right time, or you have to be in the right place at the right time, or some other variation of this. Well, I'm here to tell you on today, there's no right time. Do the thing, start the thing, quit the thing. Only rarely will you get the deep breath moment of, "this is the perfect time to.... abc". I spent a lot of my early twenties especially feeling like I needed to wait until "x" to do "y" for no reason other than that's what the norm is, or at least, seemed to be. Using your best judgement (and advice from your circle of close friends), do the thing when you think about it, or as soon as is feasible for you. Otherwise, you may never feel ready.

4. Give the people you care about room to be human. I’m working on learning to give all people room to be human, but I'm not quite there yet. For people that you really love though, give them room to fuck up, apologize, and mend the relationship. Judge them only briefly for making questionable decisions with their lives. Support them when they take a huge risk that you'd advise against and either be there to console them when they fail or to celebrate them when they succeed. Make sure that the people you care about know that you'll always care about them, even when they do dumb shit, and that they don't need to hide their bad decisions from you. Don't withhold your love and affection as compensation for behaving in ways that you find acceptable. The people you love are allowed to do thing that you'd never do.

5. The things you spend time working on and building in your twenties absolutely matter. Life will sometimes shake you down to your core, and being solidly rooted helps you not to completely collapse when it does. I'm so glad that I took time in my twenties to do some work on myself, because I feel that it's made me an exponentially better woman. Facing the things that I dislike or am afraid of, or have been avoiding, is an integral part of being a healthy adult. That doesn't mean it's not still hard, but I've always felt better for having done the thing, even if it totally sucked. This is one thing that I hope to continually work on, because facing these hard things makes the number of hard things much smaller.

6. It's okay to want things that are completely conventional/traditional/stereotypical. I think particularly for those of us who are extremely online, it can seem like we’re less unique because we actually want the things that society say that we should want. It's also completely fine to not want those things. Another lesson in this vein has been that there's nothing about me that makes me undeserving of the things that I want. I've noticed that I have a tendency to preemptively mitigate disappointment by telling myself it's fine not to want something because whether or not I get it is partially or completely out of my control. So I sat myself down and said, these are the things I want (and don't want) and it's perfectly fine to want (or not want) them. I even wrote a list so I wouldn't forget (or talk myself out of them).

Do you have a Personal Advisory Board?

Your Personal Advisory Board is a small cluster of people that you trust to give you wise(ish) counsel at important moments in your life. This is also sometimes called a personal Board of Directors. You could have this be a formalized group, with whom you meet collectively as needed, but the general idea is that you have a few people to call on for advice, or as a sounding board as your make your way through life’s tough decisions. They do not have the power to tell you what to do, but they do have the influence to make suggestions in ways that random people on the internet cannot (or should not).

Your board comprises the people who read over your resume/cover letter before you apply to a new job, or who you talk through a conflict at work with before you decide how best to address it. Other responsibilities include providing honest answers to questions beginning with: "Am I crazy if...." and talking you into (or out of) major life choices.

Here are some ideas for who might sit on your personal advisory board (categories may overlap, you might have more than one of any of these):

1. A parent/aunt/uncle/etc. i.e. somebody older than you who knows you and your temperament well

2. A bestie/sibling/cousin/etc - somebody around your age who knows you pretty well and also understands your generation-specific angst

3. A colleague at your education level, but not in your field, i.e. someone who understands the type of demand required by your work, but can help you sift out the job-related jargon and get to the point.

4. A friend or colleague in your field - someone who understands your life and can give you advice on things as an insider

5. Someone in your field who is a few steps ahead of you - somebody just far enough ahead to help you wade through the bullshit, but not so far beyond you that they've forgotten how bad it smells.

6. Someone who is a leader that you admire - a person who has seen and heard almost everything, and is rooms that you don’t even know exist yet. This is someone that you look to to remind you what’s possible