Spring Check-in

As you may know by now, I do these check-ins intermittently to see how things are going and to offer you some questions to reflect on. Feel free to think/meditate/journal accordingly.

• How are you doing? Like, really doing?

• Did you make goals this year? If so, how are you feeling about them? Are you progressing towards those goals?

• What/who are you grateful for?

• What is a new thing that you’ve noticed about yourself recently?

• Where in your life might you need to have a difficult conversation?

• What’s the best thing you’ve read so far this year?

• Where are you experiencing newness in this season of your life?

• What have you found encouraging lately?

Keep Making New Friends

It seems to me that so much of friendship discourse is about long-term friendships, or cutting people off or outgrowing friendships, but not nearly enough about making a concerted effort to continue to make new friends in your adult years. There seems to be this idea that age does and should make us less open to new interpersonal relationships, and I think that’s a big mistake. So I’m here to get on a soapbox and tell you to keep making new friends.

I say this for exactly the reasons why the popular topics in the friendship discourse are popular. Follow me for a second and I’ll explain:

Long-term friendships - Making new friends will help you maintain the skills needed to get to know people. It will keep you curious about the things you have in common with new people, and not just with the people who’ve known you since <insert age/grade/life stage here>.

Cutting people off - Making new friends will remind you that all of your life experiences will not mirror the life experiences that you already have. That is to say, when you make a new friend after cutting off an old one for not showing up for you when it really matters, you allow yourself to experience someone new showing up for you all the time. If you just cut off not-showing-up-friend, but don’t make a new one, you might not experience a different kind of friendship.

Outgrowing friendships - Making new friends will allow you to experience with life with people who are currently moving at the same pace and in the same direction as you. If all of your friends have settled into lives but you find yourself still a deeply ambitious person who is striving for something bigger, it would help you on your journey to also have friends who are similarly ambitious.

I think the thing that I want to share here the most is that being open to new friends, and making new friends helps to remind you that you are also a person who is constantly growing and changing and shifting. That you can take up a new hobby, or embrace a new identity, even as you mature and age. You can become a different person, and explore different sides of yourself. You can build new relationship skills. Life doesn’t end when adulthood begins.

Navigating Dark Times

Life’s ebbs and flows will sometimes take us through dark seasons. Even though these can sometimes feel endless, they won’t last always, and we can use some tools to make our way through them. This blog post’s title is really a double entendre, because we’re talking about two things here: navigating internal dark seasons and navigating when the world around you feels particularly dark.

Here are some things that might be helpful for you in making your way through the darkness:

This season won’t last forever. Like I said at the beginning, this too shall pass. It doesn’t mean that it wouldn’t be tough, or that you won’t suffer, but it does mean that this is not permanent.

Find bright moments in the darkness. Maybe it’s laughter with loved ones. Or the radical hope of a new baby being born. Or the beauty of nature. Or the sensory delight of a great meal. However small the joy, find it and savor it to remind of that there are good things even in our worst seasons.

Reach out to your community. Friends, family, neighbors are important for maintaining connections to other people when everything else seems adrift. Spending quality time with others helps to remind you that you aren’t truly alone, even in dark times.

Lean into things that take you out of yourself. This is a bit of a combination of the previous points. Cook food for your loved ones, or play a sport, volunteer in your community, or start a crafting project. Something that gets you out of your head, and perhaps out of your home.

April Reading List

From my bookshelves… Poetry

• Something, Someday by Amanda Gorman

• Anodyne by Khadijah Queen

• With the Fire on High by Elizabeth Acevedo

• Ancestors by Kamau Brathwaite

• Black Girl, Call Home by Jasmine Mans

• The Tradition by Jericho Brown

• How to Carry Water by Lucille Clifton

This reading list is available on Bookshop.org

Once again, we’re back with books that I own, but have not read. This month, I’ve chosen a bunch of poetry. Black Girl Call Home has been on my shelves for the longest, and I’ve actually started this one! I lost it for several months and moved on to reading other things, but I think I’ll pick it back up again soon.

On the other hand, I’ve completely forgotten when and why I bought Khadijah Queen’s Anodyne, but I’ll find out when I read it! I’m hoping for a similar revelation from the Jericho Brown collection.

I try to get books written by Caribbean authors whenever I can, especially classics, which is why I first bought the collections from Lucille Clifton (Jamaican) and Kamau Brathwaite (Bajan).

This is also why I have Elizabeth Acevedo’s YA novel in verse, although I mostly bought it because of how much I enjoyed With the Fire on High. Rounding out my picks for the month is Amanda Gorman’s children’s book, which looks so cute!

Happy reading!

Spring Cleaning

The Case for Trying New Things

Here’s your push to try something new, especially if you’re an adulty adult. In adulthood we get into rhythms and routines, and sometimes we forget that it’s good for our brains to experience new things.

So let’s talk about new things, and how to build new experiences into our lives.

First, why continually try new things?

• It stretches our brains! Having to build new neural pathways in order to learn something new helps our brains stay young and agile, and reduces our future risk of Alzheimer’s disease and dementia.

• We learn new things about ourselves. Maybe taking a dance class helps you understand how your body and brain are connected, or taking a drawing class helps you see that you have a great eye for color, or going on a hike helps you realize how much you love the smell of crisp morning air.

• We can make new friends or strengthen current friendships. This is particularly true when we do a structured repeated activity, like taking a pottery class, or volunteering with a Habitat for Humanity team. The repeated, consistent time with new people helps us to build shared bonds as we do whatever activity together.

Now, what if you need ideas about new things to try?

• Take a class: dance, yoga, some other kind of movement; art — drawing, painting, pottery, sculpture, etc; culinary — cooking, cocktail making, wine/beer/liquor tasting, chocolate/dessert making

• Join a group centered around a mutual interest: meetup group, church group, employee resource group, book club, choir

• Take up a new hobby: knitting/crocheting, gardening, crafting, walking/running, hiking, swimming, weightlifting

• Volunteer: community center, local church, museum/library, school/educational program, prison/detention center

• Learn a new skill: home DIY projects, cooking/baking, flower arranging, woodwork, fixing your own car, learning a language

How to get started/stay consistent?

• Recognize when you have capacity for a new thing, even if it’s only in a small way. If you’re already overwhelmed by everything in your life, learning how to make that complicated new dish might send you over the edge, or you might find it a fun escape from the chaos of regular life.

• Take some one with you. Try a new thing with a friend, so that you also get to spend quality time together. So if you realize that you both really hate basket weaving, at the very least you got to do it together.

• Create a list. Maybe you already know the kinds of new things you want to try already. It could be helpful to keep a list of them and check them off as you try them. The list doesn’t have to be binding, you can add or remove items as your interests change. (As an example, I have a 40 before 40 list of things I want to do/see/experience before I turn 40.)

What new thing are you going to try?

March Reading List

From My Bookshelves…Debut Novels

• The Turner House by Angela Flournoy

• Rootless by Krystle Zara Appiah

• The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri

• Maame by Jessica George

• Real Life by Brandon Taylor

• Such a Fun Age by Kiley Reid

• The Martian by Andy Weir

Find the complete list at Bookshop.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m pulling books from my shelves to encourage me to read my own books this year. This month I’ve pulled some debut fiction that I own to share for our reading list. Read as few or as many as you’d like to!

The oldest book on this list is by iconic writer and Pulitzer winner Jhumpa Lahiri. Although not her first book, The Namesake is Lahiri’s first novel after a successful short story collection, and is a story centered around immigrants from India to New York. Another immigrant story on the list is Rootless, where Appiah takes us through the struggle of not really belonging anywhere. And speaking of belonging, Taylor’s debut about a gay Black doctoral student in the Midwest tackles this too.

The protagonist in Reid’s debut also finds herself in a sticky situation when her boss goes viral for very bad reasons. The Martian in Andy Weir’s debut is also the center of attention across the globe when he has to build a life on Mars.

Flournoy’s and George’s debuts round out our picks with complicated stories about family.

Happy reading!

Overcoming the Winter Blues

We’re deep into winter over here, and sometimes that brings on the winter blues, low mood that’s caused (or exacerbated) by the shorter days and longer nights.

But, we can alleviate the sadness and sluggishness that dark days might bring! Here are some ideas of overcoming the winter blues.

• Plan something to look forward to. One way to make it through dark days is to have a thing that you are looking forward to! As a January baby, at this time of year it’s often my birthday, but I’ve also planned a personal retreat where I get a hotel room and chill out for an evening. Or it could be a new recipe or new restaurant that you try once per week, or every two weeks. Pick something during the winter that you are anticipating.

• Bundle up and get outside when it’s sunny. I know it might be crazy cold, but go out when it’s bright and let your brain remember what sunshine is. It doesn’t have to be all day, so put on your sunscreen and your big coat and go walk outside for twenty minutes.

• Make a cozy space in your home. Create your blanket nest or reading nook where you huddle up with a cup of tea or coffee or hot chocolate and read, or watch tv, or listen to music/podcasts, etc. Make it smell nice. Put a cute lamp over there.

• Get your heart rate moving. If you’re a person whose mood is lifted by working out, then do that! Even if you’re not, getting some kind of workout done in the winter can work wonders for your mental health.

• Spend quality time with loved ones. Invite a friend over. Video chat with your besties. Have brunch with the homies. Make sure you reach out to spend time with others, even when all you want to do is stay home and hide under the covers.

January Reading List

From My Bookshelves…Essay Collections

• The Fire This Time: A New Generation Speaks about Race edited by Jesmyn Ward

• I’m Black, I’m Christian, I’m Methodist edited by Rudy Rasmus

• Sex and the Single Woman: 24 Writers Reimagine Helen Gurley Brown’s Cult Classic edited by Eliza Smith & Haley Swanson

• Thick & Other Essays by Tressie McMillan Cottom

• Sometimes I trip on How Happy We Could Be by Nichole Perkins

• Black Love Matters: Real Talk on Romance, Being Seen and Happily Ever Afters edited by Jessica Pryde

• The Empathy Exams by Leslie Jamison

Find the complete list at Bookshop.

It’s a new year! As 2025 begins, I’m doing something a bit different with reading lists, and bringing you lists of books from my shelves. Some of these I’ve read, but for the ones that I haven’t, I’ll be sharing with you why I bought them in the first place. (Hopefully this encourages me to read more books I own lol.)

Each reading list I bring you seven curated picks based on the month’s theme, but this time I could easily have brought you 10 or 12. I love essay collections, both anthologies by a variety of authors on a single topic, and a series of essays on differing topics by the same writer. I think the essay is such a powerful medium for writing because it’s short enough to be manageable, but long enough to say something important and dive into a topic.

I read The Fire This Time paired with James Baldwin’s The Fire Next Time several years ago, and it was amazing to see Black writers of a different generation tackle writing about race in America in so many ways. Similarly, I got the Sex and the Single Girl collection of essays to pair with the original book by Helen Gurley Brown, which was fascinating as a cultural and historical document. I’m very interested in what today’s writers have to say on the same topic.

The upside of being chronically online is learning about people who I’d likely never come across in my daily life. This is how I heard of Mc Millan Cottom’s and Perkins’ work. I actually bought Thick because one of the essays in the book had been published online and I loved it and the way she thoughtfully tackled the topic. I know of Nichole Perkins more as a podcaster, but even in audio her ability to tell stories comes through, so I was excited to dive into her essay collection.

Speaking of podcasts, Jessica Pryde is the host of a romance reading podcast, which is how I first heard of the collection of essays that she edited. Many of the writers in this collection are familiar names to me as a person who reads quite a bit of romance. Familiar voices is also how I ended up with a copy of I’m Black, edited by Rudy Rasmus too, including at least one contributor who I know in real life.

Leslie Jamison’s book is my wild card here, because I don’t remember at all what it’s about or why I bought it, other than hearing that it was amazing. I guess I have to read it and find out!

Happy reading!

A Holiday Meditation

A brief meditation for this holiday season.

As we get into this busy holiday seen, I am taking a moment to pause and come back to myself.

This season is hectic, but I can find moments of calm in appreciating the beauty of this season.

I am choosing to see this time of year as a gift in itself, regardless of any holiday celebrations that may be coming in this season.

I am taking this transitional time between years to rest and reflect on what I have learned this year, and what I’m hoping for in the next.

I am considering what I am most grateful for in this holiday season, in small and large ways.

I am making room to process the areas in which I am grieving during this season, knowing that grief and pain are signs of love and life.

I am celebrating making it to the end of the this year, finding joy in all that has happened across the year.

End of Year Reflections for the Weary

Tis the season to reflect on 2024 and all that has happened, but if you’re feeling anything like me, you’re absolutely exhausted and possibly also hanging on by a thread. So how to reflect when all you want to do is lay down? Here are some ways to take stock of how the year has gone, while taking refuge from the world in your blanket nest.

Let’s pick a finite number of examples. I personally like 3 or 5, because they feel nice and round, without feeling overwhelmingly large.

Reflect on the highs. What are five moments from this year that brought a smile to your face? If you want to scroll through your photos to help you remember, do that. It’s your reflection, you can do what you want.

Reflect on the lessons. What are three things that you learned this year? They can be big, life-shifting lessons, or small epiphanies. Maybe write these down, or put them in your notes app. Maybe turn them into art.

Reflect on the lows. What have been three low moments this year? What did you need in those moments? Could they have been realistically avoided?

I could give more things, but we’re tired, and this is enough.

Sunk Cost Fallacy, or It’s Okay to Cut your Losses

One of the most interesting terms I’ve learned in adulthood is “sunk cost fallacy.” This is an economic term that describes the mental gymnastics we do when we don’t want to abandon something because of how much we’ve already invested in it. It’s one example of how we don’t always make the most rational choice.

Here are some examples of sunk cost fallacy that you might encounter:

• I can’t break up with them, we’ve been together for so long

• I’ve already been waiting 30 minutes for the train, it must be coming soon. I’ll keep waiting instead of trying another mode of transit.

• I already spent $200 on these concert tickets, I have to go (even though it’s raining and will cost me $50 to get there).

• I’ve already spent three years working on this degree, I may as well finish it (even though I’m absolutely miserable).

It’s totally natural to think about how much something has cost so far when deciding whether or not to continue. However, it’s not the most reasonable thing to do. The thing about sunk cost fallacy is that it causes you to look back and focus on what has already happened rather than looking forward to what is the best decision at this moment. This makes the key to getting past this fallacy letting go of the influence of the past, and only looking at what’s before you. The time/money/effort has already been spent, and that’s not a justification for spending more.

Here are some strategies for making a good decision even when you’ve spent so much time/money/effort already.

1. If you were to start today from the beginning, knowing what you know (or feeling how you feel) would you?

2. If one of your loved ones was contemplating this course of action, what would you advise them to do?

The bottom line here is that it’s okay to cut your losses, when you realize that something is no longer worth it, or never was.

December Reading List

Some of my Favorite Reads of 2024!

I’m bringing this back! I’m sharing with you some books that I really enjoyed in 2024.

• Scam Goddess by Laci Moseley
  Personal story about Laci’s life, as well as scams, cons, robbery, and fraud

• How to Solve Your Own Murder by Kristen Perrin
  An unusual mystery format, in that the murder victim has been working on solving her own murder

• Range: Why Generalists Triumph in a Specialized World by David Epstein
  My business-y book of the year, talking about the value of being a jack-of-all-trades

• The Taming of Jessi Rose by Beverly Jenkins
  A delightful historical romance

• Wash Day Diaries by Jamila Rowser
  A wonderful graphic novel about four friends, with the common theme of wash day.

Full list available on Bookshop.

Also, here are some books released this year that I’m excited to pick up soon!

• James by Percival Everett

• The Husbands by Holly Gramazio

• How We Named the Stars about Andres Ordorica

Fall Check-in

Let’s check in for the fall season. As nature goes into low power mode, I find that this season offers space for reflection. Here are some questions that you can use to check in with yourself.

• How are you doing? Like, really doing?

• What have you learned about yourself in this past season?

• Have you made time to spend with loved ones recently?

• What is one thing in your life that seems to be ending? How do you feel about it?

• How are your goals looking now that we are in the last few months of the year?

• Who have you been thinking about more than usual recently? What keeps bringing them to mind?

• Where have you been finding space to rest these days?

You can use these questions as journal prompts, or starting points for reflection.

The Advantage of Following Up

I've been thinking recently about following up, and how powerful it can be, in many of our relationships and also in our careers.

Following up is the thing to really take our relationships to another level.

November Reading List

The vibe is…let’s go on an adventure!

• The Talented Ribkins by Ladee Hubbard

• Clean Getaway by Nic Stone

• Life of Pi by Yann Martel

• Wild by Cheryl Strayed

• The Catch Me If You Can by Jessica Nabongo

• Where’d You Go Bernadette by Maria Semple

• From Here to Eternity: Traveling the World to Find the Good Death by Caitlin Doughty

Find the complete list at Bookshop.

This month’s reading list is inspired by my recent adventures! In my month away from here, I’ve done so many awesome things, and I want you to feel inspired by these books which are all about adventure in some way. If you’re looking for a young person on a road trip Clean Getaway’s story of a boy and his grandmother, or Ladee Hubbard’s entertaining romp with the Ribkins family will not disappoint. Journey with them across America to see what they’re running from…or running towards.

Or, read about Cheryl Strayed’s life-changing hike on the Pacific Crest trail…also maybe running from something. Actually, so is the eponymous Bernadette in Maria Semple’s epistolary novel, but if you read about her suburban mom life, you might run too.

Ironically, The Catch Me If You Can is not be someone who’s running, but a memoir meets travel book by the first Black woman to visit all 195 countries. This is a stunning coffee table style book that recounts many of the countries that she visited. Caitlin Doughty also takes us across the world, looking at how people view death in different cultures. If you’re looking for less realistic world travel, try Life of Pi by Yann Martel. I’m still unclear about whether the contents of the book actually happened to the main character or not.

Happy reading!

Curate Your Life

Here’s your reminder that a good life, a wonderful life, rarely happens by accident. Go ahead and curate your life to create a life that you love and enjoy. Sometimes we think that we have to achieve all of our goals, or “make it” to a certain phase in life in order for life to be enjoyable. In some ways, this is true. But what’s more true is that you can love the life you have even while you’re working towards the life you want. I have some things that you can consider as you work on curating a life that you love.

Fill your life with delights. Maybe you paint your bedroom in a color that you love. Maybe you have a garden that grows beautiful things you enjoy. Or you delight in your daily extra special coffee ritual. Perhaps you watch the sunset out the back window. Delightful things don’t have to be big or expensive, but having many of them will keep your mood up, and help you love your life as it is.

Prioritize your well-being. If it’s in your budget, this can be a spa day or biweekly facial, but these aren’t the only ways to prioritize your wellbeing. Getting consistent rest, and staying hydrated, and feeding yourself good food are also things you can do to take good care of yourself. The key here is to remember to pay as much attention to your own needs as you do to those of other people, or to your work. And this isn’t just your physical body either. Maybe there’s a relationship of some kind that is sucking the life out of you, and you need some boundaries. Maybe you need to find some time for silence or solitude away from the hectic day-to-day.

Find the beauty in the ordinary. Chances are, when you’re feeling at your lowest, you’re not noticing the beauty of life around you. Here’s your reminder to do that. Notice the smell as you walk into your favorite bakery or coffee shop, or the beauty of the flowers in your neighbor’s yard. Maybe it’s feeling the sun on your face, or noticing the pattern of the light through the trees. Sometimes we forget that the brightness of a baby’s smile is the reminder that you need of ordinary beauty.

Life Transformations Through Reading

I think sometimes we think there’s one book that just changes your entire life, and you can point to that exact moment that your life shifted. While I think that can be true, what is more likely that reading brings a series of small epiphanies to you, which alter the course of your life by one degree: a seemingly small shift with an enormous long-term impact. I’m sharing here some books and what they brought to me.

This is not so much a reading list, as it is examples of how reading changes us if we continue to ruminate on ideas that we read. This can be true of our lifestyle, or our finances, or our relationships, or how we see ourselves. Moments like this in my life really remind me of the power of reading and what a blessing it has been throughout my life.

In my late twenties I read Rising Strong by Brene Brown, and one of the most memorable things from that book was this phrase, “the story I’m telling myself.” It spoke to something our brain does when we lack information — it makes up a story to fill the gap. What was transformative about this is that it taught me that I don’t have to believe every thought that I have, and it also allowed me to recognize when I’m telling myself a story, and think of other stories that could be equally likely with the information that I actually had. This allowed me to be much more generous with other people, because instead of thinking of the worst story and reacting as if it were true, I learned to pause, and not react until I had more information. It also encouraged me to get curious about the story patterns that I had. Why did those patterns exist? Were they helpful? Could I change them?

I read Designing Your Life by Bill Burnett in my early thirties, when I had a little more money, and thus more freedom in my life to feel like I could design it. One of the takeaways from that book is that the best choice for me might not be the objectively best choice in the situation. So now when I face a difficult decision about my life writ large, I consider what is the best (most rational) choice, vs what is actually the best choice for the life that I want to have. Does the most rational choice also reflect what I value? How do I choose based on those values instead?

Chances are the you also have subtle life transformations that you’ve experienced through reading, even if the last one you had was during your formative years in school. Take a moment to think about the small nudges you’ve experienced throughout your life that have changed things for you.

Planner Hacks for the Modern Girlie*

It’s back-to-school season so for some folks, that means a new planner! If that’s you, I’ve got some planner ideas for you. If it’s not, save this for later! I’m here with the planner hacks for the gworls*.

Get the planner that you will use. This seems obvious, but sometimes it’s not. If you have a physical planner, what do you want it to do? Manage your calendar? Keep track of your notes? Get the planner that’s designed for that. If you take a lot of notes, get a planner with space for that. If you don’t write a lot but you’re on your tablet or ipad or laptop more, get a digital planner! (You could also cobble together stuff using multiple apps, but having things in one dedicated space is likely easier.)

Make it yours. There’s no rule that says you can’t draw or color or use stickers in your planner. If it makes you happy to open your planner when it’s filled with color, then do that! The goal here is to keep your life together, not have random people think that you’re “so mature.” Make that planner look like a thing that is meaningful to you. Use the space in it for what you need. If it says appointments but you use it for your schedule, who’s gonna check you?! Exactly. That’s what I thought.

Make time to plan out your day/week/month. While using your planner to keep track of things on the fly is great, the real hack is to take 5-15 minutes to do some more intentional planning.

• Make sure your appointments are in order.

• Create a task list for the next day/week. Brain dump.

• Write our your thoughts or plans about a specific project.

  One way I use my planner is on Sunday evenings to plan out my week. I set 1-2 goals for the week, and take a look at my upcoming meetings and priorities. That way, on Monday mornings, I don’t feel overwhelmed by the start of the week.

Mutual backups are your friend. By mutual backups I mean things that are duplicated. So putting something in a physical planner and a digital calendar. Physically writing it down can help you remember that something is happening, and the digital backup can reel you in if you’re distracted and lose track of time. Physically writing it down means that you remember to look up the address in advance, while the digital reminder makes it easy to plug directions into your GPS. You don’t always have to choose to be either a physical or digital planner person. Porque no los dos?

If you’re not a planner person, that’s also totally fine! Do the thing that works for you and helps you feel like your life is together.

Wishing you all the best on your planner journey!

*girlie and gworls are gender neutral in this usage.

September Reading List

The Vibe is… Reading Just for Fun

• My Sister the Serial Killer by Oyinkan Braithwaite

• Hitting a Straight Lick with a Crooked Stick by Zora Neale Hurston

• Clean Getaway by Nic Stone

• Word by Word: The Secret Life of Dictionaries by Kory Stamper

• The Only Good Indians by Stephen Graham Jones

• Everything I Never Told You by Celeste Ng

• Queenie by Candice Carty-Williams

• Tallulah the Tooth Fairy CEO by Tamara Pizzoli

Lists available on Bookshop.

We’re reading just for fun this month! No theme or anything, just books that were good reads, for a variety of reasons.